Monday, September 21, 2015

unexpected changes

People ask us all the time "how is the adoption process going?" Our answer is often "well, there really isn't much to tell, we're still waiting". The truth is, there IS much to tell.  The answer may not be what everyone is looking for and most of the time, I can't even put in to words what is going on, but we do know that Phillip and I are daily being changed through this adoption process. Every day is either a struggle, a battle, a test or a victory in our thoughts and understanding of our calling to adopt.

For those of you who care to know, this blog post is more about the personal changes and convictions that I have been experiencing lately. I want to share the joy and struggles so that you have a better understanding of the whole process that comes with adoption.

Last week was the most difficult of times (for me) since we started in adoption. I'm pretty sure I experienced every form of emotion humanly possible in those 6 days. It all started on Monday with the email of a potential situation involving a "baby already born". We got a glimpse first hand on how fast everything could change...4 hours to be exact. That's how much time we had to make a decision that could potentially change our lives-all while I was working in the busy pediatric ER. Feelings of hope, excitement, uncertainty, anxiety and fear (in that order) consumed me. Thankfully, I have a partner that had the same feelings and so we made a decision that we felt we needed to make. It didn't stop there, however; over the next couple days I experienced news about babies born, babies on the way, baby showers and all of the emotions that come with that, including a constant reminder of what I desire but do not have. I have learned how to be joyful and broken-AT THE SAME TIME!

 I tell you all of this because I do not, by any means, think these turn-of-events were by coincidence. It is also not a coincidence that I am reading a book on "idols of the heart" and it is not a coincidence that last week the chapter was on "learning to desire God alone". Last week was intentional and I can look back and see the beauty and purpose of it all. The events last week were small "battles" that I needed to learn from in those moments. Those little "battles", with the help of the Spirit, showed me what I struggle with often in this process- my own desires. Desires are not a bad thing, they are a God-given part of our image to reflect God's image. Since the fall, these desires are now tainted by sin and so they are self-centered instead of God-centered. I have been battling against my own selfish desires. The battles this past week have caused me to ask myself "why are you anxious, why are you upset, why does this bother you? my answer is, "because I am focusing on my self and what I want to happen and how I want it to play out". Let me tell you, it is never easy to admit fault. It is not easy to be transparent, but you see, in my weakness, The Lord is made strong. He has shown me that I cannot control my circumstances but I can control my response.

The most beautiful reminder that came out of the craziness of last week was that these little "battles" are meant to point me to a bigger battle that has already been won. The perfect sacrifice that Jesus made on my behalf. The life and death of Jesus Christ is sufficient for me. He perfectly fulfilled His Father's will and paid for all my failures. I finally understand what it means to say "Jesus is enough". If we never get a baby, if we never become parents, if nothing I desire comes to pass (no matter how good the desire might be)...knowing that I will spend eternity with Jesus who is the source and satisfaction of all happiness... is enough!

With this understanding, I can go to the baby showers, I can hear the birth announcements, I can answer the questions at work on "why I don't have kids yet" because having a child will not be my greatest joy...knowing Jesus is!!

 2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.