Where do I start? It has been 2 months since my last post/update. I have been wanting to post again, but, kept putting it off because I could not put into words what has been going on lately. It wasn't until recently that I even knew myself what has been evolving over the last 2 months. I will do my best to fill you in...
Since my last post, I thought I was in a place where I was completely surrendering my trust to The Lord during this adoption process. I believe I was there in my last post but, as usual, it is hard for my sinful heart to stay there. As things went silent for about 2 weeks, I found myself once again trying to take control by "doing" something. If I pray more, if I give up something (fast), If I serve more- then maybe The Lord will answer my prayer. The very next situation we got seemed absolutely perfect...we had a really good feeling that "this is it". We were so drawn to this particular birth mom and the baby she was carrying that we couldn't wait to hear her decision. My thoughts were, if we really pray for this and are "doing" everything right, then surely the Lord would allow this to be it. Funny thing is, it's not the "doing" that the Lord wants from me...it's my heart-my complete and utter dependence on Him. I was not doing that. I was depending on my actions, my thoughts, my prayers, in hopes that the Lord would hear. We were not chosen. I was devastated. I struggled with "why not". I struggled with "Is this ever going to happen". It's been 9 months of waiting. I cried for 2 days in disappointment...then it hit me! Why am I so upset? Why am I so consumed with adoption? -because I did not get what I wanted and what I thought would make me happy... because I was looking for this "yes" to be my joy. Then I cried some more because in that moment, The Lord "broke me" again and revealed to me that I was NOT trusting Him. I was NOT content because I was still trying to make things happen. I immediately felt the weight of what I was doing. I had gone back to saying " I am trusting the Lord to work this out" but in reality, I was not and I was being consumed by the idol that I had made of adoption. Praise to Jesus however, that He did not leave me there! Once again, He changed my way of thinking and I was no longer upset that we didn't get chosen; I was thankful that my Lord was still working on me and changing me into the person He created me to be...one who desires His will alone.
You see, I am learning time and time again what Sanctification really is. If you call yourself a believer, there is a moment in time that you "become saved"; however, the rest of your life is an ongoing process of growth and change to become more like Jesus. It usually comes with pain and hardships. It is a constant fight between sin and holiness. The Lord uses different circumstances to accomplish this change in us. For me, right now, my circumstance is adoption.
Another week passes and there is silence again on the adoption front. I have been able to remain (with the help of the Lord) content. I was so rocked by the last one, that I seriously learned to "give it all to God" this time. The next situation we received, we were all in-except this time, I did not dwell on it. We really didn't think much about it at all after we notified our consultant that we were interested. We kept saying and believing, "if this is The Lord's will then we will hear a yes and that is that".
To our absolute surprise, we finally received that coveted phone call Sunday afternoon on November 8th. We had been chosen! We were matched to a birth mother who is expecting a baby girl in March. Ahhh! The Lord has been 100% faithful and generous to us and we could not be more thankful- not because we "got what we wanted", but because He showed us himself during this period of waiting and learning- even though it was a time of grief and difficulty.
Another important truth that I recently discovered is that just because we are matched, this is not the end. We are not finished and the Lord is not finished with me. Just because The Lord was gracious enough to grant this desire does not mean that I have arrived at what He is teaching me. There will always be something that the Father uses to draw His children in and when one circumstance closes, another will open. I thought the last 9 months were hard; that was only the beginning, the next few will be even more difficult as we wait the arrival of this little one and intertwine our lives with her birth parents. Even when she arrives, there is tragedy on the way-either for us or her biological parents. Adoption is costly and will continue to require complete and utter dependence on The Lord.
We are "over the moon" excited and especially thankful during this season; however, we know there is much to come and would love your continued prayers! We know that our hearts are tainted with sin. We will be tempted to believe that we are in control and can change and affect the outcome. Please, if you agree and believe what I have written in this blog, check in and remind us to believe it again!